Means of Seeing what the eye brings

Been re-discovering music lately… go out the minidisc player and rockin’ it at work. On the ‘phones on boats, or patched in to the shop stereo. Had The Rebel Spell cranked most of yesterday and today… punk music is entirely unknown here; what were the locals thinking?
Walking home for lunch, listened to The Ataris song “Your Boyfriend Sucks”. i could always remember the lyrics to two songs, that one and NOFX’s “Linoleum”. i had agreat flashback listening to that song today. Pre-minidisc, i went on a couple great hitch-hiking trips a few years ago, and i’d sing to myself by the side of the road. On my way back from Kimberley, i got stranded by this sawmill in the middle of nowhere, and all i could do was sing that Ataris song over and over again, humming, muttering, screaming, anything to keep me revved up in the soggy drizzle and fall snow. Whenever i hear that song now, i’m taken back to that moment, and to that long long day of hitching.

My momma has told me a couple times this saying she’s picked up somewhere, about mistakes and lessons. As she says, in life there are no mistakes, only lessons. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. When you learn a lesson, you get to learn a new one. And, above all, you never stop learning lessons; you keep on going right until you’re dead (or maybe even further).
Are the people who “get it right” all (or most) of the time the wisest among us? Or, does the luck mof the draw keep us from those character-forming pitfalls?

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Gibran writes that sorrow is a force that “hollows you out” so that you can contain more joy. i’m seeing that failure and drama gives us opportunity to truly re-examine parts of our lives and characters which we might otherwise have overlooked.
Despite what some folks claim, i don’t personally seek out drama in my life. However, i’ve noted over the years that my passion, creativity, and (ultimately positive) introspection is sparked during and after periods of emotional turmoil in my life. As these “mistakes” become “lessons”, i’m allowed to learn that which i otherwise might avoid.
So too am i learning to look to the survivors as my mentors; those people who have failed, lost, and sunken, to not only survive, but to thrive, grow, and learn. Often in my hard times, i’ve sworn alot of “nevers”; “i’ll never trust again!”, “i’ll never do that again!”, “i’ll never love again!”, “i’ll never do this unless someone else does that…”, “i’ll never ignore the ‘warning signs’ again”, etc. i’ve found that “nevers” limit my growth, my movement, and my creativity (both artistic and emotional).
Who am i to say “never”? Anything and everything is always possible, and to deny that is to limit myself. To deny that is to fail the lesson, to doom myself to repeating it (the lesson). Transcendance does not come from avoiding actions, it comes from embracing and accepting them. By saying “never”, i avoid the lesson, not the outcome.
Last spring, i had a talk with Slacks. Slacks and i go waay back, and he’s always been there. He’s also had more than his fair share of failure and drama, especially with relationships. At the time, my relationship with my girlfriend was getting rougher and rougher. i hadn’t really wanted to discuss my troubles with anyone, but Slacks has a great ear, and there we were travelling together, with time to talk. He took in everything i said with a fair and unbiased ear. He didn’t take sides; he rebuked my harsher criticisms, and dampened my overt enthusiasms.
Later, i spoke with Kim and shared some of his insights with her. She totally dismissed them, in part because of her impression of Slacks as some antithesis of a relationship authority. Her standpoint was harsh, but to be fair, she really didn’t know him all that well. Looking back on that incident, i see Slacks as more of an expert than i, still. He’s had more chances to learn these lessons than most folks. Sure, he’s failed, but in becoming successful, in learning the lesson, he has had ample opportunity to see all the wrong ways to deal.
Another analogy is (of course) sea-faring in nature… The sailor who seldom sees foul weather, who has been blessed with a career of fair winds and following seas, and who has served on the finest vessels might well be regarded as a success. The veteran who has pitchpoled in the Southern Ocean, run out of provisions, and held together a rotten rig might well be regarded as a failure, but which of the two has had the greater experience? Which might be more relied upon when the chips are down?
The lesson i’m learning lately? Forgiveness…

sitting on the lumber pile
outside the office
last rays setting on my face
one hot minute in the headphones
palm and needle
waxed twine
sewing my shoes back together

can you believe i get to do
this?
hang out in the tropics
play with boats
sew shoes
get paid
watch the sun set
wow

Out last night with James at the J.R., the Thursday night excitement running high. Got called away from the bar to head up Zion Hill where a few of us met to lift a friend’s car out of the ditch.
Got back to the J.R. to enjoy our payment. Some while later, George showed up. He and his girlfriend had been down over New Year’s, vacationing and looking at a boat for sale. George wanted to sail, although his gal Cathy seemed unsure at best. Still, they seemed friendly and enthusiastic, so James, Tracy, and i took them under our wings. i let them crash at my place, and we took them sailing (George’s third time ever, Cathy’s first) on a Colgate 26, snorkelling and to the Bight for lunch.
The whole time, George was picking our brains all about sailing and boats. Of course, between James and i, opinions were strong; we felt it best for them to sail more before buying, educate themselves, and look at a more suitable boat for their intended purpose (living aboard in the Chesepeake). We were trying to convert them before they started down the wrong path.

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Well, George is back, to take possession of his new boat. It was the first boat he liked in a Boat Trader northside. It’s in every way contrary to every piece of advice we gave him. Yup, definately a sailboater in the works. Where a 23-yr-old guy gets $50,000 to buy a bagged-out ex-rental boat (a loathesome Beneteau at that) baffles me. Apparently, he “earned every penny”. Half as much money could have bought him twice as much boat.
Well, James was pretty pissed. He asked George why he didn’t at least get us to check it out for him first. George made all these mumbled half-ass excuses. What it pretty much boiled down to is that he just bought the first boat he thought looked nice in the papers, without any thought at all.
It seemed to me that George was pretty ignorant of how much of a little closed society it is here in West End, and that it was pretty incredible for James to offer to help him in the first place, let alone take him sailing the day after meeting them. Maybe Cathy’s charm and politeness made up for George’s milktoast ignorance. Who knows…
James and i discussed it on ride out. He was frustrated how those kids just had no idea how lucky they were, and here they were squandering their best opportunities. Feeling like a bit of a new kid myself, i told him how appreciative i was of his friendship, and of how i’d come to settle amongst such a fine group of supportive folks, and how i felt it was really due to them that i was thriving here. He turned and said, “Nah, Yuri, you could have walked in here knowing nobody, and still made it work all on your own.” It was a pretty big compliment!
10 minuted earlier, James had loudly told George, his brother, and an interceding patron at the bar all to fuck off for being ignorant and taking his friendship for granted, then later, dropping me off, James said, “If there’s anything you don’t like, just let me know. Anything i can do to help you out, no problem”.
I guess the only real way to define James is as a sailor… if that doesn’t make enough sense all on it’s own, i don’t know what else to say.