lots to write about lately, but not writing much. too busy generally kicking ass in most possible ways. in other news – several new tattoos.
July 24, 2005
November 3, 2004
what the fuck is wrong?
Last night (election night) i was watching a bit of C-Span, and caught a couple interesting lectures by political science profs. It was only just then, on the night of the election that i actually came to understand what the Electoral College is all about.
i feel left with the feeling that America, the so-called champion of freedom and democracy, is actually the worst example of democracy that i can actually understand first-hand. i voted for the first time this year, out of principle more than anything else. However, i now understand that my voting in a “locked” Democratic state didn’t do fuck all towards dethroning Bush. Maybe if i’d been a voter in Ohio, i might hold onto some belief that my vote wasn’t worthless.
Then there’s the salt in the wound; the popular vote went to the Republicans! If the Electoral College hadn’t been in play, Bush still would have won. What’s with that? i can feel disenfranchised, and point a finger at a failed democratic process, but who do i blame for a popular Republican victory? The politicians? The media? The spin and hype? Nope… there’s only one place to put the blame.
Americans. You sheep. We sheep. What a bunch of fucking losers. All of us.
Americans represent the utter pinnacle of the 3% of the “haves” in this “have-not” world. In a few states, Nader got 1-2% of the popular vote. How does this read to me? 3% of the world has the power to make everything better for the other 97%, but only 3% of those elites are voting their conscience? What does that work out to? Something like less than 0.1% of the global populace is both able and willing to affect positive change in our world through direct democratic action! The rest are essentially just doing as they’re told.
Yeah, okay, Serious and Professica; you told me so. Still, what’s better; be on the losing team, or rant from the sidelines? i’m not so sure myself.
October 26, 2004
am i wasting my breath?
Hanging with friends last night, someone asked me to email them with my travel stories. i assured them that i would, and Slacks backed me up, saying, “Oh yeah he’ll definately email you. He’s an email writing machine.”
Well, maybe. i go through spurts. It’s time for more consistancy, i suppose.
i have some friends who write me from time to time, and i tend to respond with less frequency. i think it’s because i seldom write when i don’t have much to say. On the other hand, when i do write, it’s because i’m excited aabout some ideas i’d like to share, or really want to know how things are going at the other end. Seldom do i ask for (or provide) pleasantries, ie., “How are you? I’m just fine!”
i’m starting to get pissed off at those situations where i write and write, and am sincere about every word i send, and get nothing in return. Am i wasting my words? At the same time, i’m becoming more and more aware of the people who still write to me “now and then”, even when i seldom reply.
My best pen-pal is my friend Jo. We’ll often go weeks or months without any contact, but when we do write to each other, it’s with great emotion and sincerity. i rest assured that when she needs me, she’ll write, and when i need her, she’ll respond.
i guess i’m just sick of people blowing smoke up my ass, with “I’m so stoked to hear from you!”, or “It’s so good to be in touch so we can talk about things and stuff!”, and then seldom, if ever, hear from them. i realize that there’s folks who are curious about what i’m up to, and who would rather just observe; that’s okay, but don’t celebrate our “great connection” then blow me off. i greatly enjoy friendship, even with the occasional hardship, difficulty, and pain, but i don’t need any more aquaintences.
i’ll have to get better at that myself, i guess. so… i hope to hear from you soon (you all know who you are), and if my own letter to you is abscent, i’ll be making my ammends.
October 23, 2004
relinquishment/nourishment
I’ve been reading up on renunciation lately. In a couple days, I’ll be leaving behind all my friends, familiar places, routines, and rituals to start life anew in a totally different environment. It’s something I’ve been looking forward to for months now, but as the time grows so close, I’m beginning to feel some apprehension. These past few nights, my dreams have been full of difficulties. I find myself struggling with something that should be so easy.
I found this quote by Eileen Delehanty Pearkes in Ascent Magazine:
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“I am beginning to discern the difference between the mind’s willful forcing of an outcome and the spirit’s ability to flourish in the dark and discomfiting soil of surrender. For years now, my mind has been trying to force something to happen that wasn’t ready. I have been trying to rush a process that knew, in an unseen way, its own time. I have been trying to achieve mastery through the will, not through relinquishment.”
In my own spiritual practice I often must find my way, slowly and laboriously, back to this point. Through no amount of self-confidence or apparent strength of character have I ever been able to force myself to feel happy, loved, enlightened, or successful.
It has been a tough lesson to learn, and unfortunately, one I cannot teach to others. To witness the struggles of others bothers me, but ultimately, they must learn the difference between surrendering and giving up on their own.
